Life Paths

I've been dangling between life's favourite opposites like a perpetuum mobile, restless.

Searching for meaning tormented my mind until I would embrace the chaos and shift from devotee to nihilist. They say moderation is the way so I would be trying to walk on a thin blade between a dreamer and a zen cat. And often felt tired and wanted to let myself fall on one of the sides or look around for more point of balance...but my curiosity for the possibility of conscious death kept me going, as lucid dreaming turns my nights into amusement parks.

I can loose ideology, direction, confidence or even desire for life, but my wanderment was the trick I sticked around and felt my emotions in this world.

The pursuit of ideals, with happiness and utopia ordered nicely in great harmony, at one pole, and the freedom of experiencing, with accepting the whole spectrum of emotions and in the same time, allowing the stupidy of the world to be and dramas to sprinkle the days, at the other pole. It felt quite like the inner battle of light and dark mentioned so much by the new age propaganda. I could fell inlove with the ideea of feellings and love and experience and enjoy at the beginning the suffering that was coming along in the adventures... Until it occurred to me too that we don't really have to struggle and cope with hardship or toxicity. Omg thinking back on how toxic my family been treated me... Mostly without bad intentions but surely led by egoistic interests, such feellings labeled as selfishness or narcissism or even toxic... They didn't really existed while ignorance just passed karma on and on and fed hope to the ones craving for life stimulants. Cause it's all just trauma anyway... On what we build our selves. So people fell inlove, made babies, stayed or separated, they had fun and also suffered anyway, even dare often to try it out again. And this is how human race insured its continuity, kids were being made and each turned into another emotional junkie and repeat the process. Every now and than... One kid, or teen, or most likely grown up, would feel tired of the roller coaster and shout in the face of the parents that he wanted not to be in this life and blame the existential frustrations on them bringing him to the world. I recall not wanting anymore the responsibility of my existence and neither the impact I would have. Nothing. Not to have to deal with my life or the lives of the ones in relation with me. Like a desertor from a mission he doesn't remember to have agreed to. Than there is also the niche of insanity ( sounding the most tempting to me).

-but than you pass on karma or traumas to your kids and this is why the world is fucked and the generations that escape their lives with drugs or psychopathic behaviors?

-to be honest, there were moments I couldn't care less! It felt even quite fair. Like... Why do I have to deal with the shit that happened in my life? Yes I know most of it I made, but I've been handed heavy laggage of traumas on the way to growing up, so of course many things went wrong later on also!

-but we can break the circle, we can end the limping starts, we must forgive and do different!

-at least forgiveness was an easy point for me because I realized I won't be able to carry more shit so definetly letting go was the way. But it did ruined my trust in people. I would become borderline and confused when patterns seem like leading to results of me suffering, and I know I used to have the pain integrated in the experience, but sometimes it hurt bad, the burn takes long to heal and one becomes sensitive.

-let's just stick to Sailor Moon and her obsession for love and justice. She was my inspiration and what literary kept me floating when I was a kid. So I also wanted to believe in this world, as full of idiocy as it seemed. I wanted to be one to keep the Light on, if there is only darkness to rule.

-well... The humans are just walking menace to themselves and the others and of course, to the world. They hurt and mistreat, let fear lead them and act in personal advantage. So what is there worthy to save? The human specie has its greatness but surely can't hide its hideous face. I needed many years to realize that each one is living his personal life and was aloud any experience so not everyone gonna act kindly or value the other more or at least same as his own ass.

We live intense times of change. It happened all the time, but at some points, it takes radical turns... There might be infinite ways of approaching life together on planet Earth so systems rise and fall, keeping as bassline the slavery of individuals by owners of power. So many religions can dominate the conduits of the people inside society, community, family, especially in a world of so many imaginary features. I realized when I had my first kid, when he was watching some cartoon and the mickey mouse dude there was addressing apparently to him, he would be interacting back. Well I also had some TV when I was a kid, but was less accessible and super tiny amount.... But those who came after me...had way bigger doses and more and more elaborate stories and often a very consumeristic agenda hidden... Well, he grows up to be quite a mix of skeptical rational teen and open minded millions-of-subjects teen. A lot of programs in their minds to choose from... The adults of the new world might believe everything, while disposing it and indulging in the great fantastic hedonisms.

Maybe we shall see an utopic society emerging from the ashes of the 20th century and loosing even the notion of time in a highly technological age, with liberties beyond what we could imagine and expansive destinies to keep it interesting. It has to be exotic in its standardization, the age of aquarius, the removal of freedom for the benefit of happiness.

Cities of the future guarantee us we shall have a very green and fancy cage and the infinite possibilities we are invited to, by virtual reality products... Should satisfy the entertainment spot.

We cannot count on the past to show us more than its best recipe for community. Equal rights and surveillance promise us a brave new world. Nevertheless, if happiness was meant to last in constant, flatlined dose, it would cease to be so thrilling. Advanced societies fail to be made of happy people, those are more often found close to nature in simple life and with the emotion of having to live each and every day as it could happen that an animal attacks or a foot slips on a rock. Sure... People die anyway today also by car crashes or violence among their own kind... But they cry out that their lives feel meaningless and anxiety crawls in their skin every day...

So there would have to be a nice vision the new world with its sustainable and natural approaches in all the domains of society.

Is there any link missing between the generation that believed they can rule the world ( each millenial overestimates himself) and the one who won't be doing anything like carrier wise or even understand why anyone would have to study Russian novels and get inspired to tragedy and entanglement?

Here comes a generation ( Z) that is more confused than us or the boomers and they also, rightfully feel they cannot be guided or advised by their ancestors, because things will be so tremendously different. And they feel even lonelier and less understood than the previous ones.

When I was a young human... I had probably many same inner struggles and luckily the emo trend didn't reached my corner of the world before I left my parents home cause it would have appeared very appealing to find comfort in hanging out in the dark. I mean.... I did that anyway but I didn't knew can be labeled somehow special and waved as a flag... And than its all seems to come down to money making product selling and the long enchantment of humanity. Very plausible the matrix scenario, as it seems like in this dimension, the more humans come to embody, the more they give birth to other generations of humans to laugh and cry with material form, while the energy of our emotions must be some advantage in some other dimension since here it's not making life easier.

My vigilence, call it healthy paranoia, brings me associations of cauze and effect depicting agendas of many ways to trap the future citizens of the world, kids today are invited to ideologies that contradict their grandparents views on life and many trends and movements dictate the shape of their minds.

There is a lot of unknown realm that stretches from the minds of Gen Z through their devices with obscure human relations and they have nothing to believe in, because they realize they can only feel something similar to nostalgia for the IRL experiences of their parents, while they get to enjoy the infinity of virtual reality, but fail to connect as deep as the Hollywood movies or latest Netflix teen drama series inspires. Beyond the fantastic aspects of the new world, of which we must at least mention the transparency that is meant to provide utopic society, but might end up regulating the personalities of its citizens till canceling, or the idea that we could choose to upload our minds and live in a computer generated bodyless reality (or with avatar), it remains the tango of freedom vs happiness.

I don't know where to guide my kids cause the future looks overwhelming. I don't think it can be achieved harmony with the happiness as benevolent dictator, nor that freedom is the easy way because most of people would prefer the blind ignorance instead of the responsibility to live life and be fair to the others.

I've been dangling between life's favourite opposites like a perpetuum mobile, restless. Searching for meaning tormented my mind un...

Because I have encountered many different effects upon my body during my pregnancies, I believe it might be some useful tips to share to the future or fresh mothers out there.

When I had my first kid…I was young, my body was strong and recovered fast. I did not gain so very much weight, but still I had about 13 kilos to give away after the birth.

What I did during pregnancy was to walk. Despite so many wrong advising me to rest, like I would have been sick, not pregnant…I walked a lot. Actually, during the labour…I was walking in circles through the room almost until I was about to give birth.

Back than, as I mentioned…I was young, so when I heard I was pregnant, I rushed to the doctor. Because I was sometimes having some pains, he said I have contractions and gave me antispasmodics, also kept me in the hospital. Next month happened the same. I ended up in the hospital every second month, enduring procedures, intrusive vaginal checks and medication…

Now, looking back, I believe it was definitely over-diagnosed my state, it did not for sure required so much medical attention, especially days in the hospital, where the nurses were rushing into giving all the pregnant women sleeping pills by evening…

Refusing to take them, after conflicts with the nurses… I ended up with a heavy collection of sleeping pills in my purse to throw to the trash every time I left the hospital. They were also giving vitamin A to everybody. Because I did not found on my analysis anywhere saying I would have lacked this vitamin, I questioned its necessity. I researched and discovered it was a highly controversial vitamin, they used to give it to all pregnant ladies out there in the past generations, meanwhile some studies revealed it could be linked to congenital malformations. Only it was not officially informed all the hospitals of the world, so they were just continuing to give it. I shared my discovery to the nurses, they answered that until they will be told to stop, while it is still researched..they will continue giving it, even my intuitional ethics were considering one should stop using a product who´s well-doing is questioned until proven good. So I was leaving the hospital with my bag full of pills and after spending a few days with so little body movement and artificial support for my baby to develop in peace…

Now I know I would have just drank some tea to reduce the threat of contractions and spend the pregnancy in the comfort of my home. (ex. homeopathic remedy: Viburnum Opulus )

When I gave birth to him, I went to the hospital after 6 hours of labour, the doctor did some invasive procedures. Girls, do not allow them to break your water in order to induce birth…The baby will come out when he is ready, for me it was a horrible experience, I felt raped, I felt cold metal tools inside my body pulling and forcing my organs inside. It is a dangerous procedure that has no point at all! There should be no rush to bring out the little one, he will just come out when feels right, if the water breaks, the level of oxygen drops so the baby is in a panic situation, may even suffocate on the way out!

At a check, the doctor discouraged me saying I will give birth late on the afternoon, while it was only 7 in the morning. I was feeling my baby head pressing its way out and the contractions were so intense I could not believe I would have to struggle with that condition for the next 10 hours. Of course I gave birth only 4 hours later. The nurses almost forced drugs on me, saying it is necessary in order to obtain the right dilatation. Bullshit! The body will do it in its own rhythm, I refused several times, annoyed by their attitude, so obviously my interaction with the ones there to take care and help me was a stressful one.

( image hosted by http://wetheuncivilised.org/birth-is-a-political-act/ )

Lucky me…I gave birth with only the midwife, for the doctors have left for a meeting to another town. Even so..she rushed into cutting my perinea even it might have not been necessary and even had a nurse press on my stomach with her elbow, action very dangerous for the baby. I also managed to skip the cleaning of the uterus post birth,an act described as painful, harmful, traumatizing. If the placenta comes out entire, there is no need to do such thing!

It was than I decided I will not deliver another baby in those conditions!

With my second child I got pregnant almost 7 years after. I had no medical check whatsoever. I felt a few times a bit of belly pains, which meanwhile I have understood upon research that are quite normal to occur. I gained about 7-8 kilos this time, could have been also because my diet have changed to a vegetarian diet, and walked around, climbed up to our home on the hill until the last month of pregnancy. My baby girl was pressing on some nerve in the last 2 weeks before I gave birth, so I had it a bit difficult to move around than. I birthed her home, with just her father by my side. All went well, have told the story in anther blog, here I will focus on the effects upon my body. I had a normal labour, about 12 hours, same as with my first child, the last hours the contractions were very intense and exhausting, I started to bleed a bit before she came out which made me worry a bit because back in the hospital I have been so little in control of my body that I was not remembering if it was all right or not. She came out together with the water, it broke when her head popped out and she was received in this world by her father, taking her first breath in his arms. I was standing while delivering her, the gravity helps and the sacral bone is easy to open, position not encouraged by the medical staff in the hospital because they cannot properly see what is going on, but the low sacral bone would have no space to push out while laying on your back.

After birth I used artemisia abstynthium tea to scar my broken perinea and I drank Yarrow tea and Lady´s Mantle tea to help the uterus recover. I used these plants also for local baths to heal my vaginal area and for the bleedings I only used towels , no synthetic tampons, nor fluffy cotton from the pharmacy of which I have heard it is full of glyphosphate ( main ingredient in the Roundup pesticide).
I bled strong the first days and continued to bled very little for a few weeks.

With my third child I choose also to not have doctors around, it felt totally wrong to be treated as a sick patient, I did met a midwife who measured my belly and confirmed all seemed well one time at about 20 weeks of pregnancy.

I only gained less than 6 kilos while my baby weighted 3.800 kilos herself. My diet now was almost completely vegan. I birthed her home, in the bathtub, with her father and older sister by our side.

The process was much shorter this time, it has also been only 2 and a half years since last birth, so I had only 3 hours of contractions, I walked around the house barefoot in the grass, the last hour the pain was intense so I spent it in the hot water, on my knees . The water broke and only a few minutes after I felt my baby head. At the second contraction came the rest of her body, in my hands, I waited there in the bathtub, breastfeeding her while the placenta was also coming out.

This time I had painful contractions after the birth while my uterus was getting back to his original size, so I drank a lot of good lady´s mantle tea. I had no perinea break now, only a hemorrhoid bothering post birth. I did kegel exercises and local lady´s mantle tea baths. It disappeared the third day.

During my last pregnancy I went to the swimming pool several times, which really helped my back and gave me that time just for me and my body, a meditation and connection that I totally enjoyed. I really recommend swimming during the pregnancy, seems the most comforting and fitted workout one can do while expecting a baby, but sauna is not all right because the air pressure, nor the jacuzzi for the way too hot water can provoke contractions. I also did plenty of yoga and walked all the time, I carried my 10 kilo toddler in my arms around the house with no problem and my body felt strong and normal.

I will mention also I had no menstruation for 20 months after my second birth, I got pregnant after I had my first and only period. This is normal for the mothers that breastfeed anytime the baby is interested.

I had bleed for about 2 weeks after I had my third baby, used only towels again and I have not got my period yet, she is now about 7 months old ( and 9 kilos! ) and drinks milk…a lot !

I hope my experiences shared here will help mothers approach the pregnancy and birth with confidence and strength, I try to advice and support for a normal enjoyable pregnancy and a peaceful and natural birth, without stressed doctors and nurses and stressful strong lights, immediate cut of the umbilical cord and vaccination, separation from the mother and many other traumatizing procedures for both mother and the baby. Also I wanted my baby to come out in the world home, where the bacterias were already known by her body through me, and not meeting some strong antibiotics resistant bacterias like in the hospital.... Of course I would have went to the hospital and accept the C section or any other procedures if I would have felt there was the necessity to do that in order to have me and my baby safe, but I followed my intuition and listened to my body and there was no reason for me to go through that. But if it is a first birth and the mother does not feel completely confident on herself, should not try to do it alone, my experience is not to be turned into a fashion while mothers and babies in danger, so feel what your body tells you and decide how to go through this depending on each individual case. There are midwives that assist home births and friendly clinics where one can feel both safe and comfortable together with family or friends by their side and knowing there is professional staff in the other room to assist if needed.

Feel free to debate and ask me of details, I am not a certified midwife, I filter my knowledge through my own experiences, but I believe there are certain things I discovered that might help any pregnant woman or fresh mommy to have a happy, simple and fulfilling relationship with her body.

Because I have encountered many different effects upon my body during my pregnancies, I believe it might be some useful tips t...